Timing Is Everything

When the stars line up and you catch a good break
And people think you're lucky but you know it's grace
It can happen so fast or a little bit late
Timing is everything

You know I've had close calls when it could have been me
I was young when I learned just how fragile life could be
I lost friends of mine I guess it wasn't my time
Timing is everythnig

And I could have been a child that got took home
And I would have been one more unfinished song
And when it seems a rhyme is hard to find
That's when one comes along just in time

When I remember that day when our eyes first meet
You ran into the building to get out of the rain cuz' you were soaking wet
And as I held the door you wanted to know my name
Timing is everything

And I could have been another minute late
And you never would have crossed my path that day
And when it seems true love is hard to find
that's when love comes along just in time

Well you can call it fate or destiny
Sometimes it really seems like it's a mystery
Cause you can be hurt by love or healed by the same
Timing is everything

And it can happen so fast or a little bit late
Timing is everything

~ Natalie Hemby

Until Recently (for Ethan)

I have always been my most important person
My world has been somewhat limited to one
The days and nights revolved around my wishes
And I've successfully remained attached to none.
Until recently.

As though the world around me is but a prop
To a reality consumed only with its own
A thought that life is but a stage to star upon
Marks a previously lived life contentedly alone.
Until recently.

With a long effort and a hard few days
The world was enlightened to something new
When a small pair of eyes first looked into mine
My life mattered the least the moment I met you.

Your tiny hand wrapped around my finger
An unexpected and new love broke my heart in two
The smallest of cries drowned out my biggest thoughts
My life mattered the least the moment I met you.

Happiness was limited and success was vague
In a previous world with a populace of one
Futures were just days, feelings were just words
And Love was little more than an unfamiliar emotion.
Until recently.


~LBell

Savior Please

Savior, please take my hand.
I work so hard, I live so fast.
This life begins, then it ends.
And then I do the best that I can,
but I don't know how long I'll last.

I try to be so tough,
but I'm just not strong enough.
I can't do this alone, God I need You
to hold on to me.
I try to be good enough,
but I'm nothing without Your love.
Savior, please keep saving me.

Savior, please help me stand.
I fall so hard, I fade so fast.
Will You begin right where I end?
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have.

Hallelujah!
Everything You are to me
is everything I'll ever need.
and I am learning to believe
cause You're the One who's saving me.

Remind Me To Forget

Summer has never been my favorite season. Perhaps this is a direct result of having lived my entire life in the South. Don't get me wrong, there is no other place I'd rather live (Colorado or Wyoming notwithstanding). However, a consequence of living in the South is that of usually mild winters with little to no chance of snow. I think we all crave what we don't have; thus explains my desire for cooler temps and a healthy dose of the white fluffy stuff every year. Warm days are excessive and in my opinion, they grow old rather quickly. So summer (fun activities such as lakeside picnics, minor league baseball games, outdoor concerts, etc. aside) has always been just a period of time to drudge through. Between the months of May and September you will find me counting the days until the first leaf falls and until the first kick at a college football game. This summer was no exception. However, this summer was especially dry for me for a host of other reasons.

Coming off of a high in early April (thanks to my friend Kerry and her invitation to join her on a cross-country trip to Colorado and back) I felt as if this summer could be different. And though I can't pinpoint the downturn in my state of mind to any specific event, I can assure you the decline was just as real and, in my own world, devastating. I don't use the word "devastating" lightly. Maybe I sound quite melodramatic but the change in my attitude and emotional stability pre-summer to post-summer has been nothing short of life altering. This change frustrates me. I'll go as far as to say the thoughts that accompany my seeming downward spiral completely anger me. This slide into a dark place I’d rather not be is evidenced by my lack of entries since April 20, 2010.

I cannot be specific as to the personal battle I'm fighting (poorly - I might add) because I take no pride in it. Maybe I should use my blog as a confessional so as to solicit help from loving and praying friends. But I'm not there yet. Anyone that knows me knows I am quite prideful. And to publicly reveal my vulnerability is something I am unwilling to do. Simply claiming my shortcomings is as exposed as I'll ever admit. There is safety in citing generic sins (i.e. doubt, frustration, anger, etc.) as we all deal with those on a daily, if not hourly, basis. There is camaraderie in self revelation just so long as the details are left up to various imaginations. Because in all truth, I'd rather the reader speculate of my demons than to remove all doubt. I fear their assumption would fall short of matching my reality.

All of this to say, I'm struggling. More aptly put, I'm drowning. At the start of this summer I had all the confidence in the world that I could finally claim victory in my hardest fought battles. I truly believed that my past would no longer captivate me. Maybe my confidence led to my fall. Maybe I was so consumed with announcing a win that I didn't see the blitz coming from behind. Maybe I was too intent on claiming triumph that was never mine. These are my best guesses. Regardless, I find myself once again, standing on a hill worth dying for. But I haven't the fight in me to do so. My desire? To lay down my arms. But what troubles me most is the thought that surrender would not yield happiness. In fact, I know the opposite to be true. For I tapped out about 5 months ago and it has led to nothing more than increased aggravation. Old sins die hard.

So what do I do? How do I muster the strength to start anew? Where does my help come from? Oh wait, I know the answer to that last one. Psalm 121 has something to say about that...

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come?
My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life.
The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.

The better question then is where is my help? I do believe it is within grasp if I will ask for it. So why this blog entry? Why voice concerns over a losing battle if success is within reach? Because like a stubborn child that refuses to obey I am sitting on my hands waiting for my Father to send me to my room. God knows my heart better than I know myself. He knows my weaknesses and He knows where I stand. He sees me sinking in the quicksand yet He is still. I can feel Him reaching for me yet at the same time, I feel unreachable. How do I stop stomping my feet in defiance and end this stalemate between my heart and God's? The burden is on me yet I long for forced compliance.

This dichotomy in my soul is proof positive of the warfare that continues in all our hearts. Just as Paul stated in Romans 7:14-25, the hostility I'm feeling, is with myself. The want of peace in my soul is losing out to the desire to fulfill my selfish wishes. My addictions are ruling my actions and I am weary. Again, risking melodrama, my addictions are slowly killing my spirit. My past is ruling my present and in turn dictating my future. And I, though I know better, feel powerless to stop it.

So as this summer comes to a close I find myself a few months older yet I feel a few years further behind. The first leaf has already fallen and I am two weeks past the first kick on a college football field. Nevertheless my disappointment remains. I liken this entry to a Hail Mary. I beseech the reader to brawl on my behalf, as I haven’t strength to stand. My appeal is for prayer. Only God can clear my mind and help me conquer the personal demons that hold me so tightly. Only God can renew my vigor and bolster my will to continue on in this fight. Only God can remind me to forget my past sins and help me avoid repeating them. Only God.

The Dinner Roll

Once upon a time I was invited to the White House for a private dinner with the President.

I am a respected businessman, with a factory that produces memory chips for computers and portable electronics.

There was some talk that my industry was being scrutinized by the administration, but I paid it no mind. I live in a FREE country. There's nothing that the government can do to me if I've broken no laws. My wealth was EARNED honestly, and an invitation to dinner with an American President is an honor.

I checked my coat, was greeted by the Chief of Staff, and joined the President in a yellow dining room.

We sat across from each other at a table draped in white linen. The Great Seal was embossed on the china. Uniformed staff served our dinner.

The meal was served, and I was startled when my waiter suddenly reached out, plucked a dinner roll off my plate and began nibbling it as he walked back to the kitchen..

"Sorry 'bout that," said the President. "Andrew is very hungry."

"I don't appreciate..." I began, but as I looked into the calm brown eyes across from me, I felt immediately guilty and petty. It was just a dinner roll. "Of course," I concluded, and reached for my glass.

Before I could, however, another waiter reached forward, took the glass away and swallowed the wine in a single gulp. "And his brother, Eric, is very thirsty," said the President.

I didn't say anything. The President is testing my compassion, I thought. I withheld my comments and decided to play along. I don't want to seem unkind..

My plate was whisked away before I had tasted a bite.

"Eric's children are also quite hungry."

With a lurch, I crashed to the floor. My chair had been pulled out from under me.

I stood, brushing myself off angrily, and watched as it was carried from the room.

And their grandmother can't stand for long."

I excused myself, smiling outwardly, but inside feeling like a fool. Obviously I had been invited to the White House to be sport for some game. I reached for my coat, to find that it had been taken.

I turned back to the President.

"Their grandfather doesn't like the cold."

I wanted to shout, "that was my coat!" But again, I looked at the placid smiling face of my host and decided I was being a poor sport. I spread my hands helplessly and chuckled.

Then I felt my hip pocket and realized my wallet was gone. I excused myself and walked to a phone on an elegant side table.

I learned shortly that my credit cards had been maxed out, my bank accounts emptied, my retirement and equity portfolios had vanished, and my wife had been thrown out of our home.

Apparently, the waiters and their families were moving in. The President hadn't moved or spoken as I learned all this, but finally I lowered the phone into its cradle and turned to face him.

"Andrew's whole family has made bad financial decisions. They haven't planned for retirement and they need a house. They recently defaulted on a subprime mortgage. I told them they could have your home. They need it more than you do."

My hands were shaking. I felt faint I stumbled back to the table and knelt on the floor.

The President cheerfully cut his meat, ate his steak, and drank his wine. I lowered my eyes and stared at the small grey circles on the tablecloth that were water drops.

"By the way," he added, "I have just signed an Executive Order nationalizing your factories.

I'm firing you as head of your business. I'll be operating the firm now for the benefit of all mankind.

There's a whole bunch of Erics and Andrews out there and they can't come to you for jobs groveling like beggars...we need to spread YOUR wealth around..."

I looked up. The President dropped his spoon into the empty ramekin which had been his crème Brule.

He drained the last drops of his wine. As the table was cleared, he lit a cigarette and leaned back in his chair.

He stared at me. I clung to the edge of the table as if it were a ledge and I were a man hanging over an abyss.

I thought of the years behind me, of the life I had lived. The life I had earned with a lifetime of work, risk and struggle.

Why was I punished? How had I allowed it to be taken? What game had I played and lost? I looked across the table and noticed with some surprise that there was no game board between us.

What had I done wrong?

As if answering the unspoken thought, President Obama suddenly cocked his head, locked his empty eyes to mine, and bared a million teeth, chuckling wryly as he folded his hands.

"You should have stopped me at the dinner roll," he said.