Remind Me To Forget

Summer has never been my favorite season. Perhaps this is a direct result of having lived my entire life in the South. Don't get me wrong, there is no other place I'd rather live (Colorado or Wyoming notwithstanding). However, a consequence of living in the South is that of usually mild winters with little to no chance of snow. I think we all crave what we don't have; thus explains my desire for cooler temps and a healthy dose of the white fluffy stuff every year. Warm days are excessive and in my opinion, they grow old rather quickly. So summer (fun activities such as lakeside picnics, minor league baseball games, outdoor concerts, etc. aside) has always been just a period of time to drudge through. Between the months of May and September you will find me counting the days until the first leaf falls and until the first kick at a college football game. This summer was no exception. However, this summer was especially dry for me for a host of other reasons.

Coming off of a high in early April (thanks to my friend Kerry and her invitation to join her on a cross-country trip to Colorado and back) I felt as if this summer could be different. And though I can't pinpoint the downturn in my state of mind to any specific event, I can assure you the decline was just as real and, in my own world, devastating. I don't use the word "devastating" lightly. Maybe I sound quite melodramatic but the change in my attitude and emotional stability pre-summer to post-summer has been nothing short of life altering. This change frustrates me. I'll go as far as to say the thoughts that accompany my seeming downward spiral completely anger me. This slide into a dark place I’d rather not be is evidenced by my lack of entries since April 20, 2010.

I cannot be specific as to the personal battle I'm fighting (poorly - I might add) because I take no pride in it. Maybe I should use my blog as a confessional so as to solicit help from loving and praying friends. But I'm not there yet. Anyone that knows me knows I am quite prideful. And to publicly reveal my vulnerability is something I am unwilling to do. Simply claiming my shortcomings is as exposed as I'll ever admit. There is safety in citing generic sins (i.e. doubt, frustration, anger, etc.) as we all deal with those on a daily, if not hourly, basis. There is camaraderie in self revelation just so long as the details are left up to various imaginations. Because in all truth, I'd rather the reader speculate of my demons than to remove all doubt. I fear their assumption would fall short of matching my reality.

All of this to say, I'm struggling. More aptly put, I'm drowning. At the start of this summer I had all the confidence in the world that I could finally claim victory in my hardest fought battles. I truly believed that my past would no longer captivate me. Maybe my confidence led to my fall. Maybe I was so consumed with announcing a win that I didn't see the blitz coming from behind. Maybe I was too intent on claiming triumph that was never mine. These are my best guesses. Regardless, I find myself once again, standing on a hill worth dying for. But I haven't the fight in me to do so. My desire? To lay down my arms. But what troubles me most is the thought that surrender would not yield happiness. In fact, I know the opposite to be true. For I tapped out about 5 months ago and it has led to nothing more than increased aggravation. Old sins die hard.

So what do I do? How do I muster the strength to start anew? Where does my help come from? Oh wait, I know the answer to that last one. Psalm 121 has something to say about that...

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come?
My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life.
The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.

The better question then is where is my help? I do believe it is within grasp if I will ask for it. So why this blog entry? Why voice concerns over a losing battle if success is within reach? Because like a stubborn child that refuses to obey I am sitting on my hands waiting for my Father to send me to my room. God knows my heart better than I know myself. He knows my weaknesses and He knows where I stand. He sees me sinking in the quicksand yet He is still. I can feel Him reaching for me yet at the same time, I feel unreachable. How do I stop stomping my feet in defiance and end this stalemate between my heart and God's? The burden is on me yet I long for forced compliance.

This dichotomy in my soul is proof positive of the warfare that continues in all our hearts. Just as Paul stated in Romans 7:14-25, the hostility I'm feeling, is with myself. The want of peace in my soul is losing out to the desire to fulfill my selfish wishes. My addictions are ruling my actions and I am weary. Again, risking melodrama, my addictions are slowly killing my spirit. My past is ruling my present and in turn dictating my future. And I, though I know better, feel powerless to stop it.

So as this summer comes to a close I find myself a few months older yet I feel a few years further behind. The first leaf has already fallen and I am two weeks past the first kick on a college football field. Nevertheless my disappointment remains. I liken this entry to a Hail Mary. I beseech the reader to brawl on my behalf, as I haven’t strength to stand. My appeal is for prayer. Only God can clear my mind and help me conquer the personal demons that hold me so tightly. Only God can renew my vigor and bolster my will to continue on in this fight. Only God can remind me to forget my past sins and help me avoid repeating them. Only God.