Little fat kittens

Here I sit, at 6:00 pm, at my desk. My workday was supposed to end about an hour ago yet here I am. To be honest, I'm not in any hurry to leave tonight. I know that as soon as I grab my computer, load up my back like a pack-mule, lock down my desk, head to the elevator (which will take approximately 6.5 minutes to arrive), trek out to my car in the garage, unload my baggage and climb into the driver's seat, I will be faced with an entirely new set of items on my To Do list.

Seems that here lately no matter how much I accomplish during the workday I still have more to accomplish when I get home. Now I know I'll receive no sympathy from those with kids, live-in parents, or invalid pets. I know my responsibilities are light compared to most. And knowing this gives me some sort of good-vibration-kind-of feeling. However I still feel a bit overwhelmed these days and I think it's a matter of my non-committal (refusal to plan ahead) nature catching up with me. Can a 30 yr. old change her ways? What if she doesn't really want to?

Anyway, I think of how my car needs gas (I've been running on empty like it's my job) and then I think of how much that will cost. I think of how the litter box most definitely needs changing and that will be another expense when I head to the store for supplies. I think of how I need (and oddly enough, WANT) to go to the gym tonight but that might use up the last few drops of gas in the old Jeep. I think of how I really don't want to eat my dinner out of a box again but I don't know that I have any other options in the house. I think of how my car taxes are due, my fridge is empty, my laundry is dirty, my deck is still unstained, my paint is peeling, and my mind swirls with responsibility. For the gal that thinks of herself first more often than not this is a new stage in life. And I'm not quite sure I like it. I'm certainly sure I didn't sign up for it.

So I stick my head in the sand and keep on typing. I think part of my weary brain actually believes the longer I sit here the longer I don’t have to take responsibility for everything left on my list. And maybe, just maybe, if I sit here long enough, said responsibilities will one by one disappear. Don’t talk to me about logic…that part of my brain shut off years ago. For now I’m going to get back to my workload and I will complete many important tasks for my employer. I will convey to co-workers far and wide that I have got it all together while the other departments of my life fall spectacularly apart. And in the midst of it all, my tried and true nature comes forth again…and I can’t help but think all will be okay. All tasks will be completed. All commitments will be met. All loose ends will come together. Why? Because they always have. And that "non-committal (refusal to plan ahead) nature" we talked about earlier makes it possible to focus on idealistic, dream-like thoughts such as little fat kittens, fresh snow, and smooth-sailing through life despite the fact I don't have the faintest idea what I'm doing.

Maybe it’s good that the logical side of my brain shut off years ago.